I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
