we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
two words: eviction party
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
