I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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