Where did you get a picture of my penis
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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