Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
