I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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