Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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