not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Four minutes until I can fart!
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
