You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
