can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
