dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
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