Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
