There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
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