my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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