think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
