found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
