dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
