home. puking in laundry basket.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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