just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
