Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
