I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Randomize
