New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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