How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
