Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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