I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
