New invention idea: vibrating tampons
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
