he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
two words: eviction party
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
