Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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