apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
