My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
