____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
