areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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