i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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