I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
So many bounce houses so little time
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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