I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
