just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
