Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
