i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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