there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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