we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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