You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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