i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
