Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
