Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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