I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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