I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
