Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
We left the knife in your bed.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
