I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
