Just fell off a train. Bad.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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