I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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