Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
