remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
