I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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