You don't have asthma, your pregnant
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
